💬Talking About Death: The Conversation We Can’t Afford to Avoid

Discussions about death and wills.

We often treat death like the elephant in the room—unspoken, uncomfortable, and best left for “later.” But what if later never comes?

Talking about death, especially with our loved ones, can feel awkward or even inappropriate. Yet avoiding this important conversation can lead to confusion, unresolved grief, and years of legal and emotional fallout.

This is a personal story—one that changed the way my family approaches end-of-life conversations forever.

A Personal Story

In 2022, my son had a meaningful visit with his father, my former husband, who was preparing to travel through Asia. They had been rebuilding their relationship, creating new memories, and forging a deeper connection.

Family together at my daughter's graduation in Dunedin

Before his dad left, my son thought about asking a simple question:

“Do you have a will?”

But he didn’t.

He hesitated, worried it might come across as intrusive or overly serious. He decided not to bring it up.

A short time later, his father died suddenly of a heart attack in Cambodia.

There was no will. No instructions. No clarity.

This led to grief layered with confusion. His long-time partner of 19 years was devastated, but there were already difficulties in their relationship. No one truly knew his final wishes. Emotions flared, questions went unanswered, and soon lawyers and courts had to be involved.

All of this, potentially avoidable—if someone had just asked that one question.

Why Don’t We Talk About Death?

Many of us think talking about death is bad luck. Or we fear upsetting someone. Or we simply don't know how to begin.

But here’s the truth:

Avoiding the conversation doesn’t prevent death—it only prevents clarity.

We owe it to ourselves and the people we love to get comfortable with the uncomfortable.

How to Start the Conversation

If you’ve ever wondered how to talk to a parent, partner, or loved one about end-of-life planning, here are a few gentle ways to begin:

1. Open the Door Gently

Try starting with a personal reflection:🗣 “I’ve been thinking about how important it is to have a plan in place. Have you made any arrangements or thought about what you'd want us to know?”

2. Ask the Right Questions

• Do you have a will?

• Where is it kept?

• Who is your executor?

• What are your wishes for your possessions, pets, or funeral?

• Are there any non-negotiables in your end-of-life care?

3. Create a Safe Space

Assure them it’s not about fear—it’s about respect and love. You want to honour their wishes, not assume them.

4. Lead by Example

If you’ve written a will, share that. Let them know it feels empowering to be prepared and that it brings peace of mind to your loved ones.

Let’s Normalise the Conversation

Talking about death doesn't have to be morbid. It can be a powerful act of love. It helps us grieve well, support each other clearly, and avoid preventable pain.

So, ask the question.

Have the conversation.

Even if it feels uncomfortable, especially if it feels uncomfortable.

You might just save your family months or years of legal stress and emotional strain.

❤️ A Final Thought

Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.— Haruki Murakami

Let’s treat it with the same care, compassion, and openness we give to life.